It’s okay to be angry,
but it’s not okay to hurt
By Hedda Sharapan

All our lives we work on dealing with our angry feelings.  That’s why Fred Rogers felt it was so important to help even very young children know there are things they can do with their anger – things that don’t hurt themselves or anyone else.  Part of his message was anger is natural and normal.  Another part was it’s what we DO with our feelings that matters.  Or, as one of our viewers put it, “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt.” 

I heard a great story about a teacher who gave a mother some helpful advice along those lines. The mother had been concerned because her daughter started to hit and kick when she got angry.  The teacher suggested she work with her daughter to create a chart with two columns, one column listing things she CAN’T do when she’s angry, like hitting or kicking…the other column listing things she CAN do when she’s angry.  

On their family’s “CAN do” list were things like saying “I am really mad,” stomping my feet, pounding my pillow or scribbling.  The mother kept the chart in her daughter’s bedroom, and even though the girl couldn’t yet read, seeing it there was a helpful reminder of their conversation and this important rule in their family.  

Fred had his own way, through television, to offer a “list” like that.  He often introduced children to people who are dealing with their feelings in constructive ways, like he did on this video in his conversation with Jay, his teenage neighbor.

Here are some other ideas from teachers who are helping children find positive outlets for their angry feelings:  

Stomp your feet:
We all know the song, “If you’re happy and you know it…,” but I know a teacher who used it a bit differently and intentionally to help with an angry moment.  At circle time she was focusing everyone’s attention on a girl who was celebrating her birthday that day, when one of the boys became angry and disruptive and, as you can imagine, it quickly spread to the others.  When she asked the boy why he was angry, he said because it wasn’t HIS birthday.

Being sensitive to those kinds of feelings, she said, “I can understand children might be angry because it’s not their birthday yet.” And then she gave the group a way to express their feelings by singing “If you’re angry and you know it, stomp your feet!” They sang the verse through, stomping their feet, and the mood quieted so she could get their attention back to the three-year-old’s birthday celebration.  Why did the “angry” verse work so well? I think it’s because the teacher validated their feelings, gave them a way to express their feelings, and did it through a song which naturally has a beginning, a middle -- and of course, it has an end.

Squeeze a “sqooshy” ball:
A kindergarten teacher told me about a strategy that works well for her.  She offers a “squooshy” ball (like a beanbag about the size of a tennis ball) and puts it on her desk where the children can easily get it.  She tells them it’s there for them to come and get when they’re angry or upset, and need something to do with their hands that can help them stop from hitting or hurting anyone. The children do come up to get it, and squeezing the ball seems to help them settle down.  I think it works so well because by offering them the ball she’s acknowledged their anger as natural and normal, and she’s given them something acceptable to do with their anger.  Besides that, when she sees the ball in a child’s hands, it’s a signal to her to keep an eye on the situation and see if he or she needs more help.

Create a photo album:
I know a teacher who has found a good use for technology to help with emotional development.  First she works with the children to create a list of things they can do when they’re angry – things that don’t hurt.  Then she asks the children to think of things on the list that might help them.  She takes a photo of each child doing something on the list, like painting a mad picture, banging on a drum, doing an angry dance, talking with someone, going to a calming place, pounding on play clay, etc.  The pictures go into a photo album that’s kept in the book corner.  She also uses it as a reference whenever she wants to help a child through an angry moment. Through the album, she's giving them a concrete and personal way of understanding there are acceptable things they can do when they’re angry. 

Of course when we’re helping children through angry situations, we have to keep in mind that what helps one child may not help another.  And what helps one day may not help the next for that same child.  That’s part of what makes working with children so challenging. But it certainly is worth your time and effort to deal with this challenge of helping children find something constructive they can do with their anger.  In fact, that may be one of the most important things you can help a child learn – for school and for life.

Hedda Sharapan
M.S. Child Development
Director of Early Childhood Initiatives 
sharapan@fredrogers.org  

P.S. If you want a way to share these kinds of ideas with the families you serve, here’s an article that I wrote for parents for the Winnetka Alliance for Early Childhood.  http://www.theallianceforec.org/library.php?c=8&news=154

Timeless Wisdom
From Fred Rogers

"Realistically, nobody’s happy all the time, and when children express their anger, they need to trust — way down deep — that we adults will help them find some socially acceptable way of expressing that feeling — some way that’s not going to hurt anybody.”

Related Resources

What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?" song, workshop materials and activity book are full of ways to help children deal with their angry feelings and develop self-control.   

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